04 August, 2015

The Brokenness is Beautiful

So if you know me at all, you know I'm obsessed with music and have been since I was a little girl. Today I discovered my latest personal anthem. In other words, a song I can't get enough of and will probably play constantly over a few weeks at least.

It's called "Broken (Beautiful)" and as far as I can tell from looking into it, it was released in 2012 with the movie October Baby, and it's soundtrack.

Music just amazes me; how one song can somehow put everything I feel but can't seem to say into three to five minutes. The last four months have been a huge growing experience. I had to stop long enough to see my own "brokenness."  And realized the harmful impact of certain relationships in my life, which I had to finally let go of, and the incredible strength and learning experiences I have found in other relationships, which I noticed needed more effort and care to either continue forward or reconnect.

I think sometimes we stick around after a relationship has completely drained us because we can't imagine putting all that time into something and then in the end have it turn out to be, well, nothing. We stay because we hope that if we can stick it out just a little bit longer we can make a difference to that person, whether it be with family, friends, or romantic relationships. But I realized, there comes a point where you can't do that anymore.

I finally had the courage to let go of just such a relationship. At first I felt like a weight had been lifted away. A few close friends even commented on occasion how different I was and how different it felt around me; That I wasn't scared anymore. But I also felt a huge loss, like part of me had been broken away. I wondered if I could ever feel whole enough, with all of that being part of my story, to accept the love everyone searches and hopes for.

Part of the lyrics of the song asked basically the same question:

"Oh can we move on, can we move on from the love we've left behind? Oh can we move on, can we move on from the love we'll never find?"

And in another part of the song the answer,

"The world is broken into many pieces, but the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful. My heart is broken by beauty's mysteries, but the brokenness is beautiful, it's beautiful."

Each of us has been broken, but it's those experiences that make us who we are, that make us beautiful. It's my experiences that make me beautiful, in the deepest way, to those who know all of me.