05 June, 2015

To Know HIM Better

The last week or so I've been well, I guess you could call it meditating, and now today my thoughts have suddenly accumulated and I feel like I know my Savior so much more intimately than I did before.
The Joy of The Lord by Greg Olsen
I have been very blessed in my life. I have seen many miracles, things that nobody thought could happen, that really shouldn't have happened, but were able to. 

Those miracles started even before our mom died, because no matter how sick she would get she would never gave up. She gave absolutely everything to make sure my sisters and I first, had faith in our Heavenly Father's love and second, had every opportunity she could possibly provide to not only succeed, but to never give up no matter the obstacle and to be grateful to the Lord for every success we experienced. It's why when she was gone, and then soon after when we even lost our dad, we miraculously were able to continue forward, no matter how tough it was… together.  

I became over time, ten times the person I was, but I think maybe exactly the person my mom knew I could be, with all my many imperfections… which I still have. haha. Over the years I've been able to multi-task and juggle all of our lives simultaneously, leading my sisters, while depending on their own strengths to make it through. I've seen them graduate from high school, college, when no one thought that they would, or I would for that matter without our mom there, and see them both marry two truly dedicated and faithful men in the temple of God. And together we had the strength to rise above it all. After such experiences, you feel like you can conquer anything.

Then came the last month or so after my littlest sister's wedding. I no longer felt the weight and responsibility of their lives along with mine anymore. I suddenly felt excited and geared up to make some major changes in my own life. All with that feeling of empowerment like I could do anything and do it as fast and efficiently as I have been able to in the past. Well, guess what. I can't.

And it's been confusing and frustrating. 

I realized reflecting on it today, and I hope by the end of this post this will make sense, that this must have been similar to how the Savior felt in those last moments on the cross as he called out to The Lord The Father, "My God, my God, why hast though forsaken me?"  He had accomplished so many miracles, He had done so many great things, overcome so many incredible challenges, including the atoning experience of Gethsemane, with the help of The Father and suddenly this moment he had to face on His own… as a human being… normal. 

Personally, I have had nothing but support from the Lord since I was 17, being strengthened with His presence in my life, but at this moment I feel… normal. 

Absolutely normal… with no grand task to accomplish and no need for angelic support to help me through it. Because right now, I don't need it. Right now here is no great insurmountable challenge for me to face. 

What amazes me is how this realization of what the Savior felt at that moment, completely human… normal,  makes me feel like I know a part of His life so much more personally than I before. And I'm grateful. So grateful to have been supported and strengthened to do my part of what had to be done for my sisters and I to make it BUT ALSO to have this opportunity now to, to feel this normal, and to see how much of all that we were able to do wasn't me; how much of that strength wasn't mine at all. 

I'm sure the Savior never had to be reminded as I have today, because He constantly testified that He was about His Father's work. Unlike me, He was and is perfect. But what a great experience to personally see the insight of that moment when "None Were with Him" and He felt, well, alone. What an incredible experience to personally feel that contrast in my own life and know without a doubt the true Power of God, which the Savior got to see every day of His great call, is just well, awesome. 

I know that sometimes we feel alone, but I know that the Lord never forsakes us, just as He never forsook our Savior, even in that moment on the cross. We feel normal, weak, alone, or lost because in these life moments we are strong enough to face them alone and keep finding our way.  

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